Have you ever climb so high and when you’re about to reach your goal, you fall to the lowest point… hard.
This is how I felt at the moment.
I don’t even know how I dealt with all these low points for the past few years at this time of the year but this year just hit me especially hard and cruel. Maybe it’s because I’m reaching the top of the mountain, announced my amost-reached glory and now I fall back again. The mountain seemed to have become taller, the surroundings has become much colder and all of the sudden, this mountain is getting so hard and tedious to climb. So tedious that, I don’t know if I will ever get there or if I have the courage to carry on and continue to fight this battle.
Sometimes, I feel that I am not one of those people who are blessed with natural smartness. After all, I admit that I am not that smart. Some people could say that I am hardworking (or not quite) and some say I have common sense. But there’s limited hard work, effort and even common sense to go through my whole life with what I have. What people see, is only the outside of me. It takes time to reach goals and courage to choose challenges. Although I can’t say that I am a complete failure but to be able to go on, one has to admit their mistakes and face people in shame WITH dignity. It’s not an easy thing to do - to admit your failures and allow people to judge you.
When you see people to get to their goals before you do, you don’t know if you should be happy for them or feel envious. Because human will always be humans. Competition will always go on in the world. That’s why people are catagorised into successful and non successful.
How long more do I have to go on, until I reach my goals. When I do achieve them, how happy will I be? Then what’s next? What is there to be celebrating for?
In the end, you will always become to same individual. We live on, as the successful or non successful name. Each one of us will have a past. No one will ever know our past just by passing you by and giving you a glance. No one will care about anyone but themselves. No one will understand your situation best other than yourself.
So whether you like it or not, this is life. If you don’t live up to the expectations, then you’re considered non successful.
Sometimes, I just don’t know what to believe anymore. I don’t want to put all my faith into a university degree that may in the end, means nothing in your future. I don’t want to let myself or anyone else down by not living up to the expectations that seems too hard to reach. If everyone has the potential to be great and successful, then why am I still here, doing this?
All I wanted was to be like everyone else? Doll myself up in professional work clothes, wake up early every morning to go to work, earn money? Everyone worked so hard and in the end, all we needed was money. BIG money for a BIG house, BIG reputation and BIG car. But isn’t that just something that we see on the outside? Something for show off? Something to tell people that you are successful in life than everyone else? Then what’s the point when within your own reach, there is only money and no happiness?
Is being successful really happiness? Does it make you feel good about yourself? Do you feel happy waking up every morning to go to work?
As far as I know, I have never seen a smiling face on the train every morning when I go to work.
Life is hard. I’m not ending this post with a happy ending cause I don’t think there is one. I can’t just pretend to say something to make myself feel better after all I have just said. Perhaps, the only way to make myself feel better is to accept the situation and continue life with whatever it is that I have to go through at the moment. Being unhappy is a part of life and we all gonna learn to deal with that sooner or later.
and she is on antibiotics for 10 days!
