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Looks like I’ve really been talking to myself. But it’s okay. Because once again, I’m all alone. Just like before. Never trusted in people. Until I met him. But now, everything seemed to be past. And I’ve live as lonely as before. But now even more miserable, because knowing that I still love him… Does he still love me? Or has he already forgotten me. It seemed so hard to forget all our memories. And that day when I heard that we were just going to be friends.
We started off friends. Then became more than friends. I asked myself so many times… maybe we made the wrong decision and shouldn’t go much further. But it’s too late. I guess, putting myself into this situation. And I really think that I’m giving alot this tme. More than any other times. But in the end. It’s all empty. Many people told me, I can get someone better. But I dun wan someone better. There is no one… that can be him again. No one can be the same as him again. Maybe everyone thinks I’m stubborn in this relationship, but I think I’m not. I’m not putting myself through torture this way. If I lie to myself and continue to live my life, knowing that I still love him would make me more miserable. The thing is, even though we are friends now, I still dun wan him to forget me… that’s selfish huh… yer. I think so too. But I just can’t seem to let go… can’t imagine another girl beside him and that girl’s not me. Issit too much to ask? Will we ever meet again? I know now… that there’s n more chances for me. And for us, there’s only friends. Friends. I know that in his heart, he already has an answer. If not, he wouldn’t be so certain we have no ending.
Actually, I have already knew that our relationship shouldn’t be lasting too long. He had tried to tell me once. About our relationship. But he was afraid to hurt me. Therefore he didnt say it. And I knew that the moment I asked him what was wrong that he had something in his mind. The reason why we stayed together until that day was because of me. Maybe I was too stubborn and he was too scared to say it to my face. Maybe he’s afraid to see me cry.
Today… if we hasn’t break up, it could be our 7th month. But there is nothing to celebrate about. Because for a long long time, I’ve already knew that there was something in his mind. And all my smiles, were just to hide my fear. To hide my tears. Kept lying to myself… but now, do I feel any better? I dunno. Staying single should be good. But to me, my heart is still kept inside and inside it, there’s still him.
I hasn’t forgot about him. And even today, I had drama incursion all day. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him and try to enjoy myself throughut the whole day. I stepped on the stage as Thisbe. Someone we had to act losing her most loved one. Someone who killed herself for the person she loved. The teacher didn’t say cut at all, just like she did for other people to improve their acting. I remembered that I was focusing so hard. Even though I wasnt suppose to shw my hurt and pain, but it still worked. I just lay there, with my last words. And lay on the ground. Next thing I remembered was clapping from the whole class. The teacher said that I’ve done well for my first practise. Even though I felt a bit of achievement, but I knew it was all thanks to my hurt. The hurt I’ve experience, losing him… still… missing him… so much.