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feeling really really down today. sick, tired and down. no idea wad im going to say… nowadays, very difficult to talk to him… always trying to. but it always seems like we are both not free. well, i guess we are getting busier as we get older. it’s true. even when i see him around, i dun think we talk much. i guess it’s becuz we ran out of topic. it wasnt suppose to happen. but it juz did. i guess i juz couldnt talk to him without being sad. thats why i remain silence. and i juz cant bear not talking to him… trying to cheer him up, but cant even cheer myself up.
ysd i was talking to someone. and he said somehting that made me felt sad… ; two person who love each other cant be together. that really made me felt upset. i tried not to think about it so much. and talked to someone esle today. and her boyf is now in another state. they cant be together… for 1 year. so they made a decision to break up. my friend was thinking that she dun wan to prevent him from doing anything when he has a gf. if u know wad i mean… yup. they made this decision. which makes me think bk… was i being selfish this way? i dunno. im trying not to think about it.
things are getting so bad for me… i even found my tears back again after 1 month of not crying. becuz there was juz so many things in my mind that is bothering me. and is filling up my head. he said he is going crazy. and i think im going crazy too. all the stress. and the responsibilies. i dunno if i can cope with it. something esle that made me felt consoled for this week was wad trisha told me a few days back. well, her boyf is a singaporean and she was telling that they are cutting down the army to 1 and half years. and she is feeling rather happy about it. at the same time, she felt a bit miserable, becuz he is still going to leave anyway for a period of time. she didnt tell me much. but i know that… through wad she told me about fuzzy, her boyf. he seemed to be a caring guy..
well, winter is coming soon. i dunno how im going to survive winter. i will end up freezing myself all the time. all the times when i have to find a jumper to wear. and when everyone is shivering outside in the cold eating lunch… and longing to reach for the warmth of the sunlight. winter, to me, is juz a nightmare. where i have to wake up every morning, in the nice comfort of the warm heater in the air in the bedroom. and as i open the door, the cold air juz rush through my face like water. isnt that horrible? and winter reminds me of the moments where eating and eating is an option…. gaining weight is also an option.
so many bugs flying around in my house… it’s so disgusting! and now… im alone in the house. with the bugs… and the atmosphere. with nothing, but loneliness around me. no one to talk to. no one to rely on. when i was in school today. i felt really tired. there was no bed for me to lay on. i sat on a bench, crushed up myself as close as i can to cover my eyes and try to take a rest. but i couldnt. becuz there was nothing for me. juz nothing for me to rely on. no soft comfy bed. no bubbles to hug. no pillow to lean on. my life was juz a total failure…
someone please give me some strength to fight for my freedom and my love. i want my courage back. i dun wan loneliness. juz wan companionship from a person i wan to love…. my pillow… no pillow for me. no pillow for now. so sad.
; listening - lin jun jie - jiang nan.
; feeling - sad. stress. mad. going crazy.
; missing - my pillow. alot!
; wanna - stargaze. forgetting all my problems.
; learnt - dillema is another fancy word for problem. learnt that from the series of unfortunate events bk vol 9 the carnivious carnival. juz reading it again today. life juz couldnt get any worser…