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awww. miss my pillow. miss my fredric. haha. )= so sad. i dunno when i will see him again. why everything ended up like that? i dunno. if we were a few years older, would everything be better? could we have made better choices? i dunno… i really hope that i could make my own choice. if i can, i would stay. but i couldnt do it. it’s so wrong for me to say that… but i dunno why. it is a feeling inside me. i am much more miserable this way. i dunno if any of my days would be any happier. i really dunno.
well, ok. i wont talk about it. it makes me want to cry. well, last night… i slp in my sista’s room. and i told them a story. the story of us. u know… suddenly, i really felt like… i dunno… lost? very lost. i dunno how to think… i felt like no future for this. and a feeling of what that has happened the last time. ok, dun talk about this. but i felt so sad. like no promise. no reality future to think about. no goals to work towards. felt like everything is fake and like i have juz woken up from a dream. i dunno. am i?
today, my mom suddenly ask me about fredric. she asked what i am planning to do. hey… i dunno. what am i planning to do? i dunno. i am confused, lost and hurt. juz very difficult for me. i dun like ot look at my face in the mirror everytime i cried… juz felt so wrong. i dunno why. last time when i am in australia. i do not cry like that. but now, i really know the true feeling of missing someone deeply.
i am starting school tomorrow, which i am not really looking forward to… and i realieased that i have a feeling of… dunno… hatred? ok maybe not so deep… for this place. i hate to be in this place, where there’s no freedom. no fresh air. no fredric.
i really miss you…