Reeny.net

i really dunno how many times i’ve cried today. last night… oso… it is becoming a habit. and i hate it. this morning, i got his sms. i dun wan to reply. cuz i really dunno wad to say. i feel like telling my mom, but i oso dunno how to tell her. tell her wad? say i miss him so much that i wan to go back to sg? come on… it would break her heart. but i am breaking my own now. i guess this is the only place where i can write out all my feelings cuz i couldnt say out my true feelings to anyone. i would cry on the spot. i am serious.

skool really sux. it does. it gives me a feeling of loneliness. and i cant deal with it. i have no idea. i dunno why the hell i picked drama and dance. i shouldnt even be in there! i should have picked something more like… g&t. and… economics. but i hate studying. thats the only reason i did not choose 6 TEE subjects. now i am such a loner. and the weak little fragile girl who sits in class daydreaming all the time. of him. why am i like that? why did i become like that? i really dunno…

ok… crying again. everytime it happen. and i try to hide my face away. juz now, when i came home, in my mom’s car… i told my mom that i hate my skool. she ask me why and i didnt answer her. then i told her when we reached home that i am scared. and she ask me why. i said of the work. ok, i was lying. and she asked if any of the teachers or students have any bad behaviour to me thats why i hated skool. but i said no. then i told her that i hate skool becuz i dun like the feeling. i cnat concentrate on my studies becuz i have no mood to. she knew wad i was toking about. she told me not to be scared. i dunno how to answer her so i didnt. then i went off to shower. i kept thinking about him. then cried again.

then juz now, i came on the net. she ask me why i came so early. i didnt answer her, cuz i was reading fredric’s blog. then i felt like crying again. i dunno what happened to me… then she suddenly ask me. issit that you really miss him? i didnt say anything. she dunno that i was crying. then she was telling everyone in particular… thats why it is not good to be in a relationship with u r young. i didnt answer. but u know, i felt really sad. i knew that she cared. if she could have done something for me, maybe i wouldnt felt that miserable.

it’s not like things is going to get any better… but it juz felt so hurt everytime i think about it… i dunno what to say. i have always hoped that someone would understand and helped me. helped us to be together. i dunno. i dunno if that would ever happen. but this is wad i really hope. if i was to follow u all my life, i would be contented already. but i dunno. i really dunno if this would happen to us. there was only hopes between me and you. and nothing we can do but pray. praying for a miracle to happen.

will a miracle happen? will it? i dunno. i hope… that a miracle will happen. and may the dreams i’ve wished for would all come true. i wan to be with you forever…

sometimes i felt… hey. life is short. i make my own decisions and do wad i wan to do. and i dun care wad i wan to do. but i juz to love and be by his side. issit too wrong to think about this? but will i ever have my own chance, to make my own choice? i dunno. but all i regret i couldnt stay. i couldnt stay there, making my own decisions to. i heard once, u only live once, for yourself. and you choose your own pathways. and thats why u study hard. u stdy hard for yourself. wad about love… do u have to be brave and strong and bold to achieve the love you’ve longed for? i wan to. but i am helpless. i dunno why but i kept thinking about a word… reality. this is reality. and sometimes reality is cruel. you have to do your best to avoid becoming hurt. but i cant do my best… i felt hopeless to do anything. i cant… i cant breathe. juz felt like no space. no freedom. i couldnt get out of this world. where there is nothing. nothing i can do and i feel so terrible.

deep inside

helpless.
standing nowhere.
i cant seemed to find my way.
im lost, lost in the world of darkness
can u pick me up?
pick me up from there?

you have really felt me deep inside.
and i wish i could have you.
if i can rewrite the story once again.
it would be forever
a happy ending.

hopeless.
standing somewhere.
unfamiliar faces everywhere.
i fall, falling into the deepest.
can u save me now?
save me from the pain?

no… i dun wanna be
i juz wanna be with you
hey… wad can i do?
juz tell me wad to do…

—

i dunno wad my cousin is trying to say to me…. she suddenly told me that… his friendster account has no more pic of me and him. and he is now status single. i dun understand his behaviour oso… but i dun wan to think too much…. very tiring…

awww. miss my pillow. miss my fredric. haha. )= so sad. i dunno when i will see him again. why everything ended up like that? i dunno. if we were a few years older, would everything be better? could we have made better choices? i dunno… i really hope that i could make my own choice. if i can, i would stay. but i couldnt do it. it’s so wrong for me to say that… but i dunno why. it is a feeling inside me. i am much more miserable this way. i dunno if any of my days would be any happier. i really dunno.

well, ok. i wont talk about it. it makes me want to cry. well, last night… i slp in my sista’s room. and i told them a story. the story of us. u know… suddenly, i really felt like… i dunno… lost? very lost. i dunno how to think… i felt like no future for this. and a feeling of what that has happened the last time. ok, dun talk about this. but i felt so sad. like no promise. no reality future to think about. no goals to work towards. felt like everything is fake and like i have juz woken up from a dream. i dunno. am i?

today, my mom suddenly ask me about fredric. she asked what i am planning to do. hey… i dunno. what am i planning to do? i dunno. i am confused, lost and hurt. juz very difficult for me. i dun like ot look at my face in the mirror everytime i cried… juz felt so wrong. i dunno why. last time when i am in australia. i do not cry like that. but now, i really know the true feeling of missing someone deeply.

i am starting school tomorrow, which i am not really looking forward to… and i realieased that i have a feeling of… dunno… hatred? ok maybe not so deep… for this place. i hate to be in this place, where there’s no freedom. no fresh air. no fredric.

i really miss you…

juz blogged… but feel like blogging again. ahha.. this time. blog something diff.

okie, today i wan to tok about fredric. hehe. u know why? cuz… he is my bf. haha. not juz that.. becuz i wan to u all to know how nice he is.
at first… the first gift i ever received from him is bubbles. it shows that he is observant of wad i like n wad i dun. secondly.. he bought the ring. he wan me to know that he luv me. and wan to know how much he wans it to be forever. bcuz a ring is round. it goes on forever. and next… when i was in sg.. he took good care of me and tried to give me the best that he can. he oso bought me a lot of things. and he paint me a drawing. really nice. by himself. and… he is juz so nice. so so nice. he jokes around and makes me smile and laugh all the time. i am happy around him. well, i guess no one would know how nice he is… unless u r me. ehehe. so i feel lucky.

i really luv him.

i always use to think only in drama serials this sort of things will happen. and after all, the actors themselves makes the storyline sad. thats it. right? ok, no way. i was wrong. i only believe this things happen until the day it happens to me. and i hate this feeling.

yesterday… i left the cck house at 2pm. well, i wasnt exactly going to meet fredric yet. cuz i was waiting for him to finish class and he could call me. so… i went shopping alone in lot 1. and it was so bored. well, i gave up walking around alone after walking around for 1 hour. and it was only 3pm. @_@ no way. i was praying and hoping that he would end class at 3pm. but nope. no calls. haha. then i felt hungry. so i went to bread talk and bought some thing to eat. i sat down at the cck mrt station there and eat. lol. so funny. cuz i was the only one… sitting there eating… lol. and then, suddenly this old man came and sit beside me. ok, he didnt say anything. but he kept looking at me. then i was thinking in my mind “uh oh. another pervert.” but i didnt move away. he looked like he was around 50++ and seemed harmless. so i continue eating. i finished in less than 15 mins time. but i was lazy to get up. and i have realieased that i have nowhere to go, nothing to do. haha. so i sat there. for a long long time. aimlessly, waiting for nothing. hmm, waiting for fredric’s call actually. but it was so empty becuz i dunno wad time he would call. haha. so dumb right? i sat there thinking. looking. looking at ppl. and thinking about things. that feeling of waiting… hmm… it’s funny. felt like it’s going to be forever.

well, after a while that old man suddenly talked to me. i was terrified for a while. cuz i was like… why he suddenly to me… haha. maybe becuz i look too “guai” and like i would listen to wad he says. then after a while, i found that he is from china. and he seemed quite… poor thing. like very lonely. so i decided to sit there and talk to him until fredric calls. then suddenly… very weird. he seemed to build a trust in me through the conversations. he ask me to help him top up his ez link card. i mean… would you ask a stranger… esp a teenager who “seemed” to look nice to top up your ez link card? ok, so he gave me $10 and ask me to help. and i accidentally saw that he only got $20 in this wallet. so poor thing… but i juz help. since im so nice. wahahas. jks. but i really did. and i have no intentions to harm him to take him money… then suddenly… he give me his cash on line card and ask me to help him check got how much money inside. very weird… then i helped. he only got $20 inside. so poor thing… i didnt say anything. then i juz say i have to go already. [not true] then i went off. cuz i dun wan later got police come and catch me say i anyhow took old man’s visa card. lol. thn i went to popular and find the series of unfortunate events by lemony snicket. but i couldnt find the series in there. but i went to buy a notebook instead.

i went bk to the mrt station and wait… suddenly i saw esther [my cousin] so i went to say hi to her. haha. the other day, went to ktv with her and corene. and then she ask me to take care and blah blah, bid me farewell then went off. then fredric called. he ask me to stay put and he is coming to find me. (= yays. haha. lame me. but i was happy. waited for around 9 mins. then he arrived. ehehes. then suddenly he give me a present say is from his friend to me. me? me? why me? lol. i find it weird too. so after that we went to lot 1 and walk again. and we went to a place that most ppl would go when they go shopping. library. lol. well, we went in there for nothing. juz looking at books. and we went through a book called ’stars and planets’. then we met esther and her friend at the library. once again, she say good luck to me haha. then we went off. then fredric called ben n joey and ask them if they r ready to go. we met the time and continue to walk. and again, we walked in a strange place. in ntuc. haha! supermarket. lol. we went through many sections and finish walking the whole supermarket. lol. funny. but fun. cuz with him. like normal walking and talking. felt so relax. felt like myself. i always felt like being myself when i am with him.

then we went to meet ben n joey. we were all suppose to go to west coast and watch sunset. but the sun has already set. lol. so we went to jurong east… went to IMM. went to eat burger king. and then.. suddenly fredric say wan to take pictures with me. haha. ok. then finish eating. we all went walking a while. my dad called and ask me to go home straight away. i was very angry. he say the tone like very bu shuang. so i say i am not going back yet. cuz i am meeting corene later also. i dun care lo. juz do that.

finally… time to go home. me and fredric was both silent. felt like inside a drama series. really silent. and i dunno how to break it. then we went on the mrt. at first is okay. until ben n joey left. then… i think alot. i was thinking… wouldnt it be good if the mrt keeps going on forever? juz like that. sitting side by side. then suddenly, i cannot control myself. my face become very red. and all the blood rush up my face. i tried very very hard to hold my tears in. but it didnt work. i didnt wan fredric to see me cry. but i dunno why, i cant be strong. i am not strong at all. then in the end, i lent on him and cried silently. a tear dripped on his uniform. i think he alreayd knew that i was crying. but i oso realieased that he is silent. i can hear a bit of sniffing. i can tell, he is holding his tears in too. but he didnt look like he was crying. i was. then he finally cant take it. he took out readers digest and read and read and read. he juz kept reading. i guess he was too sad to say anything. me too. we walked together, hand in hand, to ang mo kio mcdonalds to meet corene. and this journey was so… cold; when it was the very very last moments i can look at him, i smiled. cuz i wan to bring him the best in me. no tears. i want him to know that i felt the happiness he is giving me.

after he left… i’ve got nothing to say. i went home soon after, packing my things. gtting ready for next day’s flight to australia. wad can i say? i cried so many times. and finally get to slp. until this morning, i was waken by my aunty. on the taxi… i cried again. and on the plane. every now and then, i juz missed him out of the sudden. i really dunno how to describe this feeling. i felt sad. and i missing him so much that i cant explain.

even though that day, u had to let go of me. u’ll still live in my heart. our memories will filled my mind. there’s always a reason why god put us together even though we are so far apart. i remember what u said to me. luv u.

hmm… it’s been so long after my last entry. emm. not really. juz a few days back.

i really dunno what i am doing. today is the last day of my stay in singapore. for now, i cant think about what to say. and i cant think about anything esle. i do not wish to think about anything esle.

i starts school this monday. it will be really hard on fredric. i juz wish that he wont think about anything too bad. we talked before, but obviously the same topic. i guess i couldnt really face this problem. and it really hurt when we talk about it. and most likely, i would… yer do the same thing over and over again.

well, for now… i guess i can only try and not to think or expect anything. becuz that is a fact. whatever happens to me, or where i would be led will depends on god. i dun really mind that he brings me back to before. becuz it always happens. well, i would say. take this as a challenge of you and me. if we can conquer it, we can conquer anything.

do you have faith in me? i hope you do. becuz i have faith in you.

ok, lets not talk about this. emm. talk about tuesday. well. tuesday was a bad luck day for me. first off, i wasted too much mrt fare. ok, i was in ang mo kio. and this old lady came up to me and ask me for money in return for a wooden stick thing. i felt really pity in her. but i really couldnt give her any money. then i took mrt to bishan. and from there… i took 410 bus to peirce. on the bus… the air con leaked on me! but i couldnt move cuz someone was sitting next to me and if i move around too much… she wouldnt get really pissed off. ok, nvm. then i almost get down the wrong stop. good thing i didnt. i got down the correct stop. and i have to start walking… in such a hot weather! wow.. i almost dead. by then, i was so hot and sweaty. like i juz came out of the shower. then i met dora and went to j8 with her. we sat in the food court and waited for amanda and yinyin to come… they were very slow… and i was hungry. finally they came, taking their own sweet time. haha. but i didnt blame them of cuz. we went and ate tepanyaki. i think this is now it is spelled. and we went and walk around j8. it was really boring actually cuz i have already went there and shopped. so we decided to go to dora’s house… in aljunied. oh… wasting bus fare… haha. we reached there. watching crossroads by britney spears. halfway through, fredric called and ask me if i was free and if i wanted to go out. then i say ok. so i took bus to aljunied mrt station and then took mrt to bugis to meet him. we went to sim lim square… with 2 of his other friends. corn and marcus. for a while… only. then i was late to meet corene. so she scolded me. then in the end, i met her queenstown mrt station. when she saw me, she gave me an uncontented face. wah… i was really going to get scolded. then went to ikea. wah… waited for nothing. cuz they took the collection paper thing and walk around. in the end, whe i looked at it.. i told them… you are suppose to go to the ‘goods collection’ section to get it. and. we waited for so long. some problem they had. ok nvm. wasted more bus fare… cuz there wasnt enough space to sit in the taxi. and almost lost our way with the buses. lol. finally reached home. tired. and half dead. go shower, fall in bed and slp, hugging bubbles.

wahaha… my day was so bad huh..

ok, wed. went out with fredric. and his friends, ben and joey. we went to watch elektra. wasnt too bad. haha. we were late home.. and i hope he didnt get scolded. he also gave me the cd he promised to burn for me. the disney one… and i am listening to it now. the song… beauty and the beast. yups. hehe. nice. well, he said he liked bella out of all the disney princesses. and i actually agreed cuz bella looks the prettiest. lol.

actually i was thinking of buying him a valentines day present. but then i find it still too early. but… while i have the chance now, why not? hmm.. but i dunno what to buy yet. i havent think… well, yesterday i almost bought this apron thing. hahaha. cuz he wants to be a cook. but, it looked too girly. it’s from precious thoughts… lol. so i didnt buy it. i oso dunno what to get for him. maybe i will find something in australia and send to him? hmm… but what? i dunno…

oh ya, yesterday! lol. i saw my old friends… from pri school. oh my god, they all changed so much. esp jasmine… i think i switched personality with her… last tiem i was more emm… bad tempered? and she was more… serene and quiet and totally… emm… always being bullied. lol. but now. she is so violent. =/ i am serious ok. she hit me so many times.. you know that kind of person where you talk and then she laughed and hit at the same time? yer.. something like that. wahaha.. i was a victim. haha. i was being a brat to her. well, i am always like that… to her. cuz we always joked around. then fang ling. wah, dun say her… so tall. last time i have to look down to see her ok… now… @_@ i have to look up to talk to her. and lijuan is still the same. quiet and forgiving type. always giving in… a nice person still. meryl. she has changed so quiet! haha. and she have ‘hubby’ already. lol. kept smsing him lo. i think. and she always used to bully jasmine. but ysd… jasmine hit her… as in the joking way. yer. i saw jolene and laura too. they hasnt really changed. and theodore. became more annoying. and he is so impatient. really. haha.. and i heard from laura that he was going to ask qing hao along. but he didnt wan to come. lol. ok, i will skip this part. soon seng. haha. last time. he always used to sabo me. and suan me. but now he’s so different! suddenly become so nice. i am really not used to it. and the funniest is chee hoong! lol. haircut is still the same…. lol like using the bowl kind. so called ‘pumpkin’ head. hahahahah.. and he is even more forgetful than me! ahaha.. oh and i saw priya too.. she cutted her hair. and she say i still have the doll face. haha. in pri school, they always call me dollface or barbie doll. cuz if i stand there.. i look like the kind standing in front of the shop the model. wahaha. i find that quite funny. cuz i find that i am not like before. and they still recognise me! wah.. so touched. lol.

hehe.. today… my plan.. i dunno. meet fredric later. and we are going to go watch sunset. dunno who esle is going along. hehe. but now is still early. he havent finish school yet.

ok, i will stop. i felt so long winded today. lol. keke. fredric… i miss you!