Expressions
Everyone have different ways of expressing themselves…
Some are shy.
Some are bold.
Some are predictable.
Some are weird.
Mine? I am WEIRD.
Sometimes, I do the weirdest things without even realising that I’m doing it. Let me tell you guys something about myself. I’m not a person who’s afraid of losing but I dislike being shamed or 没面子(lose face).
So when I get into an arguement, I may be right or wrong at whatever I’m arguing about to the other person, but in the end I will stop. Stop as in I will wait for the other person to talk to me first before I talk to them (how childish uh!) and before that, I will definitely be cursing the person in my head but silently and angrily facing the other way.
This leads to a very weird thing. Crying.
That also brings me back to the 没面子 bit. I will always cry silently whether I’m in public, my own room or in the shower (yes I do cry in the shower). Everytime when an arguement becomes silence, I will keep it in my heart. It’s qute incredible because sometimes I can control my tears so well. Other times… not so well.
I remember having a conversation with Shan the other day and she mentioned that 2 years ago, I cried on the train and no one knew why. I totally forgot about that incident!
But I do know that it’s another weird way of expressing myself…
Whenever I’m stress or upset by something or someone, I tend to keep it in my heart. I may look strong but when something is mentioned too many times, I will start to break down. Not only that, I will break down and cry out all the tears that I haven’t been able to cry for the past I don’t know how many times!
When I was young, I was a quiet and shy girl who doesn’t know how to express myelf. Whenever I like something or someone, I will not show it to anyone.
For example, if my mom asked me what I wanted to eat, I would say I don’t know (but in actual fact, I DO have something that I LOVE to eat). When she points to something I don’t want, I will shake my head. When she points to something that I want, I refuse to nod and yet I will either say “don’t know” or hesitate.
That was always the same with boys. Quiet and shy me will never let others know which boy I was eyeing in the class. Neither does people know that I always eye the little boy whom was as quiet and shy as me. Because no one notices him, except for me. So he is special, different and the one and only.
However, that definitely changed when I was older. Because I was quickly surrounded by boys going through puberty =.= which is also around the time when they’re the most attention seeking.
Which is also why I’m with the most attention seeking guy in Chinese school aka walking highlighter now :]
Nowadays, I am trained.
Maybe it’s because I’ve been quiet, shy, poor, uneducated, bullied, small, inconfident. So, I’ve learnt to look on the bright side of life while learning how to welcome the good and awesome stuff in my life and yet be aware of the bad stuff.
I’m not sure if I can handle every single thing thats thrown at me (well not literally) but I do hope that I’ve became stronger and yet still very vulnerable from being a mere human being… with expressons.